I just want to write, but honestly I don’t have anything in particular that I want to say. All in all, this year has been an interesting one. I have managed to pull myself out of some gloomy places that I didn’t think I was still in. I guess I’ve gotten so good at pretending that everything is okay that I managed to convince even myself it was true. Once I finally became aware of that, it’s been a little easier to do something about it. I’ve started de-cluttering things in my life, and that has helped immensely. By cleaning out crap in the house that I don’t really need, that has helped me breathe easier. Unsubscribing from all of the email lists I somehow got on has also helped. Focusing on the people that really matter to me instead of trying to make everyone happy has also been a game-changer. Little steps are making a difference, and I just hope to get better and better with time. I’ve also been trying to figure out what is important to me and work on doing those things instead of distracting myself with meaningless stuff like scrolling through the internet. I love running, so all of the events that I’ve been going to this past year has also be really helpful for my mental and physical health…
As far as things go that “matter” to me, I’ve noticed I’ve dropped the ball. I love music. I love playing my instruments, I love singing, and I love listening to music. I haven’t been doing nearly as much of that these days, so I think I want to do more moving forward.
I also love reading and writing. I haven’t been reading nearly as much these days because I’ve been so sucked into my own head that I can’t focus on reading something – that probably has something to do with being gloomy but not wanting to acknowledge it… I also haven’t been writing all that much these days. I think that is because I’ve been harder on myself. If I can’t write something that is amazing, what am I doing with myself?? That is bullshit. If I don’t just work on writing, I’ll never get better. I’ll never write anything.
I want to wake up in the morning and actually be excited to take on the day. I haven’t felt that way in a while. The Dream Recorder I wrote about resonates with me so much because I can’t help but think that if one of those existed, I’d probably become addicted to it. I have been enjoying my dreams more than my real life these days, and that scares me. That’s why I think I need to work on finding things that bring me joy. Like music, reading, writing, running, etc. I know I say that I’m happy by myself, and I truly think that I am, but I also suspect that finding someone that I could share my life with would still be an amazing thing. I stand by the fact that I’d rather be alone and happy than in a relationship with someone that makes me feel alone. But… I still think that being with someone that makes me feel happy and loved would be an amazing thing. BUT, given that I am not all put together at the moment, I don’t think getting into a relationship now is a good idea. I need to pull myself together and get to a point where I don’t feel like I want to live in my dreams. I don’t want a relationship to fix my life, I want one to augment it.
Things that I have been wanting to do:
* Ride my bicycle more
* Play my instruments more and also learn new ones (piano and guitar)
* Read more books that I enjoy?
* Write more for fun and not give a shit if the content or the organization makes sense to anyone else
* Learn how to do yoga – I think the mental and physical health benefits would be good for me
* Stop stressing out about how far or how fast I’ve been running when I go running – just run because I love doing it
* Fix up my cars without worrying about it – one step at a time.
* Fix up my motorcycle and get it licensed and registered – THEN go for rides. Slowly but surely.
* Go for hikes for fun and don’t worry about distance or pace. I love data, but I hate to say that when it comes to running and hiking, I might be better off not thinking about the data very much because then I stress about it. I also stress about being eaten by mountain lions… WTF
* Keep learning new languages
* Bring my camera with me and take more photos – I love photography, but I just haven’t dedicated time to it
* Do more welding – I enjoy welding a LOT. Fixing stuff, making random sculptures, etc.
* Camping – I love camping. Why don’t I do this more???
* Gardening – I would love to do more of this. I love plants, being outside, and cooking, so what’s not to love here??
* I also love learning new things. Math, physics, chemistry, history… I should take the time to read / learn more
* Cooking new recipes!
* …
There are clearly a lot of things that I want to do, but for whatever reason I can’t bring myself to do them… WHY? Am I just overwhelmed by the possibilities? Am I worried about them not being done perfectly? Am I just distracted by other things like my phone or the internet so that I decide to choose the easier method??? Maybe if I make plans for little steps, that would help? I love checklists, so if I made one for each thing I want to do, maybe that would help… For example, if I want to learn yoga, the first step might be signing up for an introductory course at a studio. Then the next step could be to practice at home before bed or sign up for X number of classes in the next month.
I know it’s kind of cliche to be like “I’m going to start anew in the next year!”, but I think there is something to it. Having a new year coming is kind of symbolic, in a way. It helps break up the time. It helps you say, “okay, I didn’t do everything right last time, so let me try again”. I think I want to try again.
What are some habits that I could start trying to do to help start fresh?
* Go to sleep and wake up AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY. I keep hearing this is important, so I should just start doing it
* Eat breakfast – I am fucking terrible at doing this everyday unless I’m at work and I can buy a burrito from the cafeteria.
* Schedule times to go running – maybe first thing in the morning? Right after work?
* Schedule in time to do other things I want to do – writing, reading, yoga, rock climbing, dinner somewhere fun by myself??
* Go for hikes by myself more – maybe bring bear spray or something so I will stop being afraid that a mountain lion is going to be my demise
* …
What brings me joy as far as things in my house? Maybe I can spruce up my atmosphere more to make me happy…
* Plants! I love plants – I love all of the greenery in my house
* Candles – the smells are so satisfying
* String lights decorating the house
* NO CLUTTER – clearly I still need to work on de-cluttering my space
* Books – books just make me so happy to read as well as to decorate a room
* Artwork that cheers me up
* Mugs. I am clearly addicted to fun mugs – maybe if I hung them up and could see them, that would be nice
* …