It’s Valentine’s Day today, and honestly, part of me is kind of sad that I’m alone, but at the same time, I kind of love it… Is that weird? I think that it’s time for me to be brutally honest; with myself specifically. There are a lot of things that I try to lie to myself about, or I try to deny are true, etc., and I’m not doing it anymore. I like to pretend that I don’t have any artistic tendencies because being “artistic” isn’t something that my family appreciates as much. I like to pretend that I am only strong and not sensitive because being strong is something that I feel like I have to be. I am getting stronger each day, but I am still sensitive, despite not wanting to be. I feel my emotions very strongly, which frustrates me, but it also helps make me, ME. I like to tell myself that I don’t need anyone else in my life to be happy, and honestly, I am very good at being happy by myself, but I still want someone else in my life even though I tell myself I don’t. I pretend that I am not a romantic, but at-heart, I REALLY am one. I like to act a certain way, but deep down I still believe that true love can exist, and I still believe that it’s possible to fall in love fully with another person that turns into your best friend in the world. I am a tiny bit cynical about it happening to me, but I still believe that it’s possible. Valentine’s Day just makes me realize how much I want someone else in my life even if I’m happy alone, I guess.
I have fallen for someone that I have known for 7 years. I honestly fell for him the first day that I met him, but I was dating my ex at the time, so I tried to ignore it. I have continued to tell myself over the last 7 years that nothing would ever, COULD ever, happen between us for a variety of random-ass reasons that are complete bullshit. I told myself a relationship wasn’t possible because we work together. I told myself that we wouldn’t be a good match because he doesn’t drink beer or coffee. I told myself that because I’m not Catholic, that he would never want to do anything with me. I told myself that because I’m not a virgin, he’d also reject me. I’ve told myself SO many different things for why it wouldn’t work… I’m not sure any of them are true, but… I am also concerned now that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me because it became apparent to me a while ago that he liked me, but I was still with my ex at the time, and I can’t help but think that I crushed his heart without meaning to. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t directly tell me that he was interested, but I could just see it on his face when he was introduced to my ex at some after work gettogether. I wanted to tell him then that I had been in love with him since the day we met, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the relationship I was in because it would hurt my then-boyfriend. My EX was happy even though I hadn’t been for years, but I still couldn’t bring myself to leave him. And now, I can’t help but think that this other guy has moved on, that he doesn’t like me anymore, and that he wouldn’t want to try a relationship with me because of the past… I also can’t help but think that I wouldn’t want to pursue anything with him anyway, just because if it didn’t work out, I’d lose a person in my life that has always managed to make me happy whenever I see him. Even when we were arguing about tester requirements and what they should be, I still was happy with him in my life. I don’t know that I would be willing to risk that.
Part of me wants to walk up to him and say “Hey, I really REALLY like you. Would you like to go to the bookstore some time with me and geek out?” Do nerdy guys go for that sort of thing, or would he just think I’m crazy??
I still am really happy to be single overall, and I don’t feel bad that I’m single today. I’m happy to be single. BUT… part of me can’t help but wonder… “what if?”