Why?
Let me start off by saying that I have never written a blog before. Why I decided to do so all of a sudden, I am not really sure I know. I guess inspiration hit me, and I decided, let’s do it! As a result, I’ll probably fuck this up epically for the first month or so (if not longer). That’s okay! I’m learning, so that is what matters.
A bit about me
So, who am I? I don’t expect anyone to ever read this blog other than me, but on the slight chance I’m wrong, a little background probably wouldn’t hurt. I don’t want to give specifics, but generally speaking, I am a 31 year old female from New Mexico. I’ve never been the type of person to care whether or not I fit in. I guess I just got used to feeling like an outsider, so it stopped bothering me. When I was younger, I had more fun being outside by myself running around and imagining fantastical things. I’m not sure that has changed all that much. The difference is, now I run farther, and my imaginings are slightly more grounded in reality although probably a tad darker.
I guess one thing that I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older, though: I find myself wanting to make more friends. I didn’t care as much when I was younger because I HAD friends (the benefits of being in school and having to interact with people!). As I’ve gotten older, the ability to stay connected with people has deteriorated. I still love being alone, but I can’t help but feel that it’s going to kick me in the ass later if I don’t make a change now.
A Tattered Book
It’s not that I don’t like people. I just have a hard time connecting with people. I want to understand them, what makes them tick, etc., but they never seem to have the desire to learn the same about me. Maybe I’m just being selfish, but I feel like it should go both ways. I can’t help but feel like a tattered hardcover book that has lost its dustjacket. People might pick me up and glance at me, but since I don’t have a synopsis or a pretty dustjacket, they put me back down before even bothering to get to know me. The few people who DO pick me up and start reading decide to either stop early on, or they choose to ignore, skip over, or OVERWRITE parts of me that they don’t like. It hurts.
A Past Relationship
I used to be in a fairly serious relationship, and it lasted for almost seven years. I’ve been on my own for the last 1.5 years, and I think it’s been good for me. I never realized how much of myself I gave over to someone that wasn’t willing to reciprocate. Unfortunately, I think he is part of the reason I’ve turned into a tattered book that doesn’t have a dustjacket anymore.
That sounds harsh, and I’m really don’t mean to badmouth him. Overall, he was a great guy that I truly loved, but he wasn’t the one for me. He had a tendency to repress a LOT, and as a result, I found myself changing slowing over time to make him happy. I should have known better. Why didn’t I realize how much of my openness, my willingness to connect, things that made me, ME, were being lost? I knew who he was when I started dating him, and I never wanted to change him. I should have known better.
Moving forward
So, it took me seven years… SEVEN FUCKING YEARS to realize that I was only hurting myself. Why did it take me so long? Why did I have to lose so much of myself before I realized it?? Part of me is mad at myself, but the other part realizes that if I had left him earlier, I probably wouldn’t have had the epiphany that I had. I wouldn’t have realized just how unhappy I was, and I probably would have jumped into a different relationship where I did the EXACT SAME THING.
I’m not proud of everything that I’ve done in my life. It’s doubtful that ANYONE is (if you tell me that you haven’t fucked up and your life is all rainbows and unicorns, I call bullshit). All things considered, though, I wouldn’t change anything. If I had the chance to go back and undo this relationship, I wouldn’t. I learned from it, and I’ve grown into the person I am today BECAUSE OF IT. I like who I am right now. It doesn’t mean everyone else will, but I don’t give a shit.
It’s no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Lewis Carroll
I love that quote, and I keep telling myself that anytime I start to wish I hadn’t done something. It doesn’t mean that I won’t cringe at my mistakes and then work on being better. It just means that I accept the fuck up, learn from it, and move on. Pardon my language… I guess I should have started out by saying “fair warning, I occasionally use colorful language that you might not approve of…”.
Regardless, I’ve been moving forward, one step at a time. I’m trying to be better at interacting with people. I am also trying to regain parts of myself that I’ve been repressing for such a long time. I figure this blog will help me. If you find yourself here with me, I hope you stick around. It’d be a shame to put the book down without even opening it.
