Category: Musings

I just want to write, but honestly I don't have anything in particular that I want to say. All in all, this year has been an interesting one. I have managed to pull myself out of some gloomy places that I didn't think I was still in. I guess I've gotten so good at pretending that everything is okay that I managed to convince even myself it was true. Once I finally became aware of that, it's been a little easier to do something about it. I've started de-cluttering things in my life, and that has helped immensely. By cleaning out crap in the house that I don't really need, that has helped me breathe easier. Unsubscribing from all of the email lists I somehow got on has also helped. Focusing on the people that really matter to me instead of trying to make everyone happy has also been a game-changer. Little steps are making a difference, and I just hope to get better and better with time. I've also been trying to figure out what is important to me and work on doing those things instead of distracting myself with meaningless stuff like scrolling through the internet. I love running, so all of the events that I've been going to this past year has also be really helpful for my mental and physical health...

As far as things go that "matter" to me, I've noticed I've dropped the ball. I love music. I love playing my instruments, I love singing, and I love listening to music. I haven't been doing nearly as much of that these days, so I think I want to do more moving forward.

I also love reading and writing. I haven't been reading nearly as much these days because I've been so sucked into my own head that I can't focus on reading something - that probably has something to do with being gloomy but not wanting to acknowledge it... I also haven't been writing all that much these days. I think that is because I've been harder on myself. If I can't write something that is amazing, what am I doing with myself?? That is bullshit. If I don't just work on writing, I'll never get better. I'll never write anything.

I want to wake up in the morning and actually be excited to take on the day. I haven't felt that way in a while. The Dream Recorder I wrote about resonates with me so much because I can't help but think that if one of those existed, I'd probably become addicted to it. I have been enjoying my dreams more than my real life these days, and that scares me. That's why I think I need to work on finding things that bring me joy. Like music, reading, writing, running, etc. I know I say that I'm happy by myself, and I truly think that I am, but I also suspect that finding someone that I could share my life with would still be an amazing thing. I stand by the fact that I'd rather be alone and happy than in a relationship with someone that makes me feel alone. But... I still think that being with someone that makes me feel happy and loved would be an amazing thing. BUT, given that I am not all put together at the moment, I don't think getting into a relationship now is a good idea. I need to pull myself together and get to a point where I don't feel like I want to live in my dreams. I don't want a relationship to fix my life, I want one to augment it.

Things that I have been wanting to do:
* Ride my bicycle more
* Play my instruments more and also learn new ones (piano and guitar)
* Read more books that I enjoy?
* Write more for fun and not give a shit if the content or the organization makes sense to anyone else
* Learn how to do yoga - I think the mental and physical health benefits would be good for me
* Stop stressing out about how far or how fast I've been running when I go running - just run because I love doing it
* Fix up my cars without worrying about it - one step at a time.
* Fix up my motorcycle and get it licensed and registered - THEN go for rides. Slowly but surely.
* Go for hikes for fun and don't worry about distance or pace. I love data, but I hate to say that when it comes to running and hiking, I might be better off not thinking about the data very much because then I stress about it. I also stress about being eaten by mountain lions... WTF
* Keep learning new languages
* Bring my camera with me and take more photos - I love photography, but I just haven't dedicated time to it
* Do more welding - I enjoy welding a LOT. Fixing stuff, making random sculptures, etc.
* Camping - I love camping. Why don't I do this more???
* Gardening - I would love to do more of this. I love plants, being outside, and cooking, so what's not to love here??
* I also love learning new things. Math, physics, chemistry, history... I should take the time to read / learn more
* Cooking new recipes!
* ...

There are clearly a lot of things that I want to do, but for whatever reason I can't bring myself to do them... WHY? Am I just overwhelmed by the possibilities? Am I worried about them not being done perfectly? Am I just distracted by other things like my phone or the internet so that I decide to choose the easier method??? Maybe if I make plans for little steps, that would help? I love checklists, so if I made one for each thing I want to do, maybe that would help... For example, if I want to learn yoga, the first step might be signing up for an introductory course at a studio. Then the next step could be to practice at home before bed or sign up for X number of classes in the next month.

I know it's kind of cliche to be like "I'm going to start anew in the next year!", but I think there is something to it. Having a new year coming is kind of symbolic, in a way. It helps break up the time. It helps you say, "okay, I didn't do everything right last time, so let me try again". I think I want to try again.

What are some habits that I could start trying to do to help start fresh?
* Go to sleep and wake up AT THE SAME TIME EVERY DAY. I keep hearing this is important, so I should just start doing it
* Eat breakfast - I am fucking terrible at doing this everyday unless I'm at work and I can buy a burrito from the cafeteria.
* Schedule times to go running - maybe first thing in the morning? Right after work?
* Schedule in time to do other things I want to do - writing, reading, yoga, rock climbing, dinner somewhere fun by myself??
* Go for hikes by myself more - maybe bring bear spray or something so I will stop being afraid that a mountain lion is going to be my demise
* ...

What brings me joy as far as things in my house? Maybe I can spruce up my atmosphere more to make me happy...
* Plants! I love plants - I love all of the greenery in my house
* Candles - the smells are so satisfying
* String lights decorating the house
* NO CLUTTER - clearly I still need to work on de-cluttering my space
* Books - books just make me so happy to read as well as to decorate a room
* Artwork that cheers me up
* Mugs. I am clearly addicted to fun mugs - maybe if I hung them up and could see them, that would be nice
* ...

It's Valentine's Day today, and honestly, part of me is kind of sad that I'm alone, but at the same time, I kind of love it... Is that weird? I think that it’s time for me to be brutally honest; with myself specifically. There are a lot of things that I try to lie to myself about, or I try to deny are true, etc., and I’m not doing it anymore. I like to pretend that I don’t have any artistic tendencies because being “artistic” isn’t something that my family appreciates as much. I like to pretend that I am only strong and not sensitive because being strong is something that I feel like I have to be. I am getting stronger each day, but I am still sensitive, despite not wanting to be. I feel my emotions very strongly, which frustrates me, but it also helps make me, ME. I like to tell myself that I don’t need anyone else in my life to be happy, and honestly, I am very good at being happy by myself, but I still want someone else in my life even though I tell myself I don’t. I pretend that I am not a romantic, but at-heart, I REALLY am one. I like to act a certain way, but deep down I still believe that true love can exist, and I still believe that it’s possible to fall in love fully with another person that turns into your best friend in the world. I am a tiny bit cynical about it happening to me, but I still believe that it’s possible. Valentine's Day just makes me realize how much I want someone else in my life even if I'm happy alone, I guess.

I have fallen for someone that I have known for 7 years. I honestly fell for him the first day that I met him, but I was dating my ex at the time, so I tried to ignore it. I have continued to tell myself over the last 7 years that nothing would ever, COULD ever, happen between us for a variety of random-ass reasons that are complete bullshit. I told myself a relationship wasn’t possible because we work together. I told myself that we wouldn’t be a good match because he doesn’t drink beer or coffee. I told myself that because I’m not Catholic, that he would never want to do anything with me. I told myself that because I’m not a virgin, he’d also reject me. I’ve told myself SO many different things for why it wouldn’t work… I’m not sure any of them are true, but... I am also concerned now that he wouldn’t want anything to do with me because it became apparent to me a while ago that he liked me, but I was still with my ex at the time, and I can’t help but think that I crushed his heart without meaning to. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t directly tell me that he was interested, but I could just see it on his face when he was introduced to my ex at some after work gettogether. I wanted to tell him then that I had been in love with him since the day we met, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave the relationship I was in because it would hurt my then-boyfriend. My EX was happy even though I hadn’t been for years, but I still couldn’t bring myself to leave him. And now, I can’t help but think that this other guy has moved on, that he doesn’t like me anymore, and that he wouldn’t want to try a relationship with me because of the past… I also can’t help but think that I wouldn’t want to pursue anything with him anyway, just because if it didn’t work out, I’d lose a person in my life that has always managed to make me happy whenever I see him. Even when we were arguing about tester requirements and what they should be, I still was happy with him in my life. I don’t know that I would be willing to risk that.

Part of me wants to walk up to him and say "Hey, I really REALLY like you. Would you like to go to the bookstore some time with me and geek out?" Do nerdy guys go for that sort of thing, or would he just think I'm crazy??

I still am really happy to be single overall, and I don't feel bad that I'm single today. I'm happy to be single. BUT... part of me can't help but wonder... "what if?"

How cool would it be to have a machine that would record your dreams? I don't know about the rest of the people in the world, but I have so many dreams that I find myself fascinated by on a constant basis. The problem is, by the time I wake up, start thinking about them, etc., I FORGET a lot of the main aspects of the dream. At that point, it's too late to get it all out in writing and start turning it into a short story. It drives me crazy! I have SO MANY COOL DREAMS, TOO!!!!

So... How cool would it be to have a dream recording device? Maybe it could write out your dreams so you don't forget them. Although, I think a device kind of like a DVR for recording the scenes going on while you're dreaming would be even neater!

Yet... despite how amazing it would be to go back and re-watch my dreams, I can't help but think how dangerous of a thing a dream recorder would be. I know myself, and I know that some days I'd rather keep sleeping because my dreams are so much nicer than real life. What if I lost myself reliving my old dreams and stopped living my life?

Why?

Let me start off by saying that I have never written a blog before. Why I decided to do so all of a sudden, I am not really sure I know. I guess inspiration hit me, and I decided, let's do it! As a result, I'll probably fuck this up epically for the first month or so (if not longer). That's okay! I'm learning, so that is what matters.

A bit about me

So, who am I? I don't expect anyone to ever read this blog other than me, but on the slight chance I'm wrong, a little background probably wouldn't hurt. I don't want to give specifics, but generally speaking, I am a 31 year old female from New Mexico. I've never been the type of person to care whether or not I fit in. I guess I just got used to feeling like an outsider, so it stopped bothering me. When I was younger, I had more fun being outside by myself running around and imagining fantastical things. I'm not sure that has changed all that much. The difference is, now I run farther, and my imaginings are slightly more grounded in reality although probably a tad darker.

I guess one thing that I've noticed as I've gotten older, though: I find myself wanting to make more friends. I didn't care as much when I was younger because I HAD friends (the benefits of being in school and having to interact with people!). As I've gotten older, the ability to stay connected with people has deteriorated. I still love being alone, but I can't help but feel that it's going to kick me in the ass later if I don't make a change now.

A Tattered Book

It's not that I don't like people. I just have a hard time connecting with people. I want to understand them, what makes them tick, etc., but they never seem to have the desire to learn the same about me. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I feel like it should go both ways. I can't help but feel like a tattered hardcover book that has lost its dustjacket. People might pick me up and glance at me, but since I don't have a synopsis or a pretty dustjacket, they put me back down before even bothering to get to know me. The few people who DO pick me up and start reading decide to either stop early on, or they choose to ignore, skip over, or OVERWRITE parts of me that they don't like. It hurts.

A Past Relationship

I used to be in a fairly serious relationship, and it lasted for almost seven years. I've been on my own for the last 1.5 years, and I think it's been good for me. I never realized how much of myself I gave over to someone that wasn't willing to reciprocate. Unfortunately, I think he is part of the reason I've turned into a tattered book that doesn't have a dustjacket anymore.

That sounds harsh, and I'm really don't mean to badmouth him. Overall, he was a great guy that I truly loved, but he wasn't the one for me. He had a tendency to repress a LOT, and as a result, I found myself changing slowing over time to make him happy. I should have known better. Why didn't I realize how much of my openness, my willingness to connect, things that made me, ME, were being lost? I knew who he was when I started dating him, and I never wanted to change him. I should have known better.

Moving forward

So, it took me seven years... SEVEN FUCKING YEARS to realize that I was only hurting myself. Why did it take me so long? Why did I have to lose so much of myself before I realized it?? Part of me is mad at myself, but the other part realizes that if I had left him earlier, I probably wouldn't have had the epiphany that I had. I wouldn't have realized just how unhappy I was, and I probably would have jumped into a different relationship where I did the EXACT SAME THING.

I'm not proud of everything that I've done in my life. It's doubtful that ANYONE is (if you tell me that you haven't fucked up and your life is all rainbows and unicorns, I call bullshit). All things considered, though, I wouldn't change anything. If I had the chance to go back and undo this relationship, I wouldn't. I learned from it, and I've grown into the person I am today BECAUSE OF IT. I like who I am right now. It doesn't mean everyone else will, but I don't give a shit.

It's no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

Lewis Carroll

I love that quote, and I keep telling myself that anytime I start to wish I hadn't done something. It doesn't mean that I won't cringe at my mistakes and then work on being better. It just means that I accept the fuck up, learn from it, and move on. Pardon my language... I guess I should have started out by saying "fair warning, I occasionally use colorful language that you might not approve of...".

Regardless, I've been moving forward, one step at a time. I'm trying to be better at interacting with people. I am also trying to regain parts of myself that I've been repressing for such a long time. I figure this blog will help me. If you find yourself here with me, I hope you stick around. It'd be a shame to put the book down without even opening it.